|I shamefully admit that I might be just as sick and/or mentally ill as the monsters that have killed
innocent people. I have never been declared insane however, and have never had a sanity test,
but after this past weekend, perhaps I need to consider [having one] or a lobotomy.
When Duane Morrison went into a Colorado High School, took several children hostage, killed one
and then later, killed himself, I was saddened that his actions caused a family to grieve for their
loved ones. But was umm, how can I say, relieved that he killed himself.
When Michael Julius Ford opened fire at a Safeway warehouse, I wondered what could make
someone so angry that they felt the only way to justify their anger, was to kill innocent people.
Because I'm too close to the story, I feel reluctant to say that this person was ill, but somewhere,
insanity plays a part.
Once, I was in a similar temporary insanity situation, but thankfully, I came to my senses.
There I was being held hostage by an ex-boyfriend who had physically abused me and then later,
refused to allow me to leave his home. I was kidnapped and as the night grew on and he had
fallen asleep, I considered all of my actions; I could commit murder without being caught. I
thought to myself that I could just take a pair of scissors and stab him. I had seriously thought the
plan out - thinking where I would stab him first; all in an attempt to rid my self of a sick person.
Yes, these awful thoughts raced through my mind, but when I walked past the window, the
curtains were open and I could see my reflection staring back at me. Thankfully, I realized that
what I was doing or thinking about doing was wrong. Okay, I knew what I was considering was
wrong, but also something else came to mind and that was God telling me to get my butt out of
there as I was looking at prison time for 1st degree murder.
Some people have said that my thoughts were justified because I was in a physical abusive
relationship, but the judicial procedure does not allow one to take the law into their own hands. I
should have left the first time I was abused, but I did not. However, that is not my whole issue
regarding who is more insane, me or the murderers of innocent people.
|When the Columbine massacre ended, I was glad. I was glad that the pain that Cho Seung-Hui caused in
Blacksburg Virginia ended and I was equally happy that the murderer's lives had ended as well. One murderer gladly
named himself a "genius and madman-psychopath." A madman psychopath for sure and likewise, I was not saddened
that none of them are any longer walking this earth. I was not grieved that Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were dead
and ended their lives by their own devices. How sick is that? Okay, but it goes further to the most recent murders this
past weekend. As my spouse and I watched a live report about a man who had opened fire at the Youth Mission in
Arvada, Colorado but had escaped authorities, I haphazardly uttered, "Damn, he did not kill himself!" My husband said
no, but that police were searching for him. I then continued my rant and said, "The bastard should have killed himself
to rid this world of his sickness."
Not once did I say, 'oh these people need help.' Nor did I blame the government for allowing more mentally demented
people to roam the streets. I did not even consider the families of the gunmen and what they might be going through. No,
I wanted these murderers dead - dead by their own hands. Today, authorities believe that the same gunman, who killed
the youngsters at the Mission Center, is the same killer who murdered four people at a Colorado Springs church. The
gunman did not kill himself, but is now dead because of one brave security volunteer.
I do not want to be a vigilante, I am just sick of sick people causing pain to innocent bystanders.
I use to love to watch some of the Dave Chappelle show and one in particular makes me think I need to contact a doctor
immediately. In one of the skits, Dave Chappelle and some other people are gambling and when the party is robbed, one
of the intruders says to Dave, "If you don’t give me your money, I will shoot you."
Dave's character replies, "That’s the only way you're going to get my money - if you shoot me."
Well, the robber raises his gun, shoots Dave in the leg, Dave falls to the ground and I laugh hysterically. What does that
say about me? Am I that sick? Dave's character was the victim, yet I laughed when he was shot.
I consider myself a Christian, yet, Good Fellas is one of my favorite movies. Alternatively, I cried like a baby during the
movie, We Were Soldiers. Am I hypercritical that I enjoyed watching the Mafia play footloose with the police and
continue a life of crime yet hate to see innocent people killed during war and the pain it brings to their families?
What is this world coming to and who is to blame?
Some [people] blame television or lack of parenting, but others have survived the gun-toting criminals on the screen and
have lived productive lives. Additionally, not every professional person comes from a nurturing family. Consider Chris
Gardner and Oprah Winfrey. Have we become so overwhelmed with what others think of us? Have we become so
fascinated with the rat-race of keeping up with the Jones'? Is everyone caught up in the get-rich-quick schemes? Have
we ignored the signs of mental illness?
On the other hand, I must ask, if the lack of divine beliefs is the cause of this pain. Matthew Murray was from a religious
family but what were his beliefs?
I must consider my own hypocrisy.
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|This entry was posted in 2009 and is filed under Keeba’s Commentary.
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|Keeba Smith is a published writer and desired screenplay artist. She is the author of “Shades of Bright Pale,” and many other
unacquainted writings. Please visit www.Keeba.org to find out more about Keeba Smith, read additional critiques and her
unpublished autobiography, “Spirit in the Dark.”
| Who's To Blame For Another School Shooting?